A Victorian Guide To The Digital Galaxy

The term “Web site” is outrageously passé, isn’t it?

It doesn’t quite capture and describe the essence of the plethora of cloud-based platforms, native apps, Web services, social networks, and what have you. But regardless of what you call them, they’re certainly sprouting with a feral intensity, almost with impunity. Keeping a track of them has become a Sisyphean task.

For those who’ve just wormhole-ed into the digital domain—say, from the Victorian era—a guide, of sorts, as to what to do, where, may be of enormous help. With that in mind, I’ve prepared “A Victorian’s Guide to the Digital Galaxy.”

“Gallery of the Louvre” by Samuel F. B. Morse, painted between 1831–1833.

Facebook. This is where I broadcast that I have a fondness for the generous warmth of a cup of hot tea and the velvety softness of Devonshire cream.

Twitter. This is where I inform that I have commenced sipping my #tea, sitting in my ornate garden chair.

Tumblr. This is where I share, with the ladies, a glimpse of my beautifully hand-painted teapot, sugar bowl, cream pitcher, and tea tray.

Blogger. This is where I keep a diary of my ruminations on tea.

Formspring. This is where I go to pose the question: “Could someone be so kind as to enlighten me as to why, this afternoon, my tea is not having its customary effect on me?”

Bit.ly. This is where I shrink my tea cup and saucer.

LinkedIn. This is where I proudly announce that I have been, in the past, an adroit sales assistant, who has efficiently lured many a tea connoisseur into buying mediocre products with eye-catching packaging.

Google+. This is where I share with my literary “circle,” serious snippets about poets, who live on nothing but tea.

Foursquare. This is where I go to brag about the establishment where I purchase my tea.

Digg. This is where I discover what others are sharing on tea, everything from the prominent to the obscure.

Mint. This is where I maintain a tally of all my monetary transactions pertaining to tea.

Dwolla. This is what I use when I am shamefully short on cash, but am still intent on not leaving the store, without the packet of the refined tea that I have set my sights on.

Flickr. This is where I release an out-of-focus snap of me drinking tea—just for laughs.

Instagram. This is where I post a daguerreotype of me sipping my tea as I envision myself in the Elizabethan era.

Vimeo. This is where I post an arty video footage of me delicately balancing my tea cup in one hand and gracefully ladling a spoon of sugar into it with the other.

YouTube. This is where I post a fuzzy video clip of me draining my cup of tea in a most un-ladylike fashion, and then, dashing off to hail a hansom cab.

Fancy. This is a catalog of the finest teas that I would like to be gifted by my secret lover.

Byliner. This is how I am able to keep abreast of the finest articles, penned by the finest writers of our glorious times.

Pinterest. This is where I rummage, with keen interest, for recipes of scones and cucumber sandwiches to serve for high teas, which I often host.

Kickstarter. If I should ever think of starting my own artisanal tea pavilion, instead of asking my husband, this is where I would entreat upright citizens to financially back my entrepreneurial endeavor.

WordPress. This is where I will wax eloquent on the joys of imbibing tea after my start-up takes off.

ZOUCH, April 2, 2012.


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