Clips, Offbeat

A Sandwich Board Outside A Riparian Bistro

The E.E.E.L., February 26, 2016.

  • We do not allow a division or sharing of half-shell oysters, crockery, and cutlery.
  • We do not permit our premises to be polluted by smoking, vaping, or ranting.
  • We neither extend credit nor pocket it.
  • All our crab mallets are made of reclaimed wood.
  • Diners are required to bring their own spittoons.
  • If you have on your person, body odor, kindly leave it at the doorstep.
  • Engage in brawl and kerfuffle at your own peril.
  • Ladies with exotic coiffures will be towed away at the expense of their companion at the table.
  • Locking faces into the glow-cone of a hand-held device is not prohibited.
  • We do not serve magical birds and beasts.
  • Our jukebox only accepts bumper stickers.
  • All our greens are 100% algae.
  • No haggling over the price of dishes under the glinting gaze of our waitrons.
  • No books.
  • No matchbooks.
  • Do not employ the tumblers of water as finger bowls.
  • This is an arid establishment.
  • Do not talk at volumes beyond 20 decibels.
  • Anyone making an inquiry about an address will be returned to the sender.
  • Diners siting beyond their pousse-café are liable to be investigated by a detective, on grounds of brewing a revolution.

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