Offbeat

A Disclaimer

  • This submission, including and all photograph(s) and illustration(s), is for the sole use of the writer and may contain certain confidential and/or over-privileged information, pertaining to reporting conducted under the supervision and direction of the author and/or her collection of dolls and action figures as well as is the property of the writer and her mother and are otherwise protected from disclosure.
  • This submission does not, in any way, represent the policies, positions, or opinions of myself, my editor, my publisher, my friends, my foes, or my sock monkey. Do not quote me on that. Do not quote me on anything. Never. Ever. This is a limited-time offer. For private use only.
  • Reviewing, tweeting, blogging, liking, voting up (or down), redistributing of any knowledge contained within this submission and photograph(s) and illustration(s), without written permission is strictly prohibited. Violators will be guillotined.
  • Sentences are truncated if paroxysms of laughter, halitosis, hirsutism, bawling spells, slurred speech and inexplicable reverse-aging develops.
  • If this submission begins to smoke, step away immediately. That is not normal. It is an indication it is on fire. In that event, read only with proper ventilation. Sit in a cool, dry place.
  • Text may contain erotic content some readers may have difficulty tearing away from. Keep away from lecherous geriatrics. Are you still reading this? Thanks. All rights reserved.
  • Any resemblance to persons, living, dead, or un-dead, is purely coincidental. Please read at your own risk. Please do not bend, fold, mutilate, or impale. Submission is provided without any warranties.
  • Reader assumes full responsibility. This is an equal opportunity submission. Safety goggles may be required during reading. Snorting these “bits” could be hazardous to your health.
  • This submission is gluten-free. If ingested, consult a physician. Adjectives may settle during e-mailing. Use only as directed. Do not read while operating heavy machinery. Freshest, if read before date on paper.
  • No animals, plush or wild, were harmed during the making of this submission. Colors may, in time, fade. All rights reserved. Other restrictions may apply. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Terms are subject to change without notice.
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